The Pacific Palisades Preventative Home for Handicapped Presidents and Presidential Wanna-Bes, 2028 Election Eve
Bernie, The Donald, and Two Bidens reflect back on what was, what wasn’t and the meaning of the Pina Colada song
Note: The following is an excerpt from the upcoming episode 18 of the “B and P Realm Podcast,” a bit of comic mania from the future with three of our favorite presidential hopefuls and wanna-bes chatting about what was, what was not and what could have been.
Female Receptionist: Welcome to the Pacific Palisades Preventative Home for Handicapped Presidents and Presidential Wanna-Be’s, are you here to see someone in particular?
Hunter: Yeah, I’m Biden, Hunter Biden, here for my pa.
Female Receptionist: Okay, sure, yes, I think I saw him out on the balcony with his two, umm, unlikely friends. Right this way.
Bernie: I just can’t understand you Donald.
Trump: That’s The Donald.
Bernie: You know I’m never gonna call you that. As I was saying, I just can’t understand how, after the Coronavirus collapsed the whole System, you still think somehow you were a good president —
Trump: I collapsed the System, Bernie, that was my plan all along. But you never did understand 4-dimensional checkers, which is why you lost to Joe here —
Dementia Joe: Let’s play checkers.
Bernie: We’ll play later, Joe. And it’s chess, not checkers, you idiot. Anyway, my good friend Joe here still thinks I won —
Trump: Well, I won in the end.
Bernie: You won? You were voted out of office by the largest margin in the history of the country —
Receptionist: Excuse me, gentlemen. I hate to interrupt, but —
Bernie: No, please do, I was just leaving —
Trump: No, no, stick around, it’s always a tremendous time when Hunter joins us. Have a seat, boy.
Hunter: Why not? Can someone get me a drink around here? Whadda they got?
Trump: Goddamn, boy, you are getting as forgetful as your old man here. How old are you now, anyway, 31?
Hunter: I’m 58. And stop calling me boy. What about that drink?
Trump: Pina coladas are all they got at this dump. I can’t believe I left the Trump Tower for this. We had the best taco bowls. I love Mexicans.
Bernie: You did not leave Trump Tower, Donald.
Trump: I didn’t?
Bernie: No, you were dragged out kicking and screaming by the Secret Service!
Hunter: That’s right, you refused to give up the office, saying the Coronavirus nullified the results, but the Supreme Court ruled against you and you wouldn’t leave. Man you are getting as bad as pop here.
Dementia Joe: Secret Court?
Hunter: Never mind, we’ll get drinks coming. Where are they, by the way, this place has the worst service!
Trump: Blame Bernie. I take no responsibility.
Bernie: Me? What did I do?
Trump: You forced universal health care down our throats —
Bernie: You signed that into law, Donald, don’t you remember anything right?
Trump: I have a tremendous memory, the best. My doctor even said so.
Bernie: Jesus fucking Christ, what did I do to deserve this Fate?
Dementia Joe: Grape ape?
(The pina coladas arrive)
Hunter: Finally! Let’s drink up, boys! I propose we toast to AOC!
Bernie: To AOC!
Trump: Communism has warped your brains. It’s gonna be Stefanik.
Hunter: Sounds too Ukrainian.
Trump: You’re one to talk about Ukraine.
Hunter: As are you, Donald.
Bernie: Oh shut up already about Ukraine. America moved on from that nonsense eight years ago.
Hunter: Fine, let’s talk about pina coladas.
Bernie: What’s there to talk about? A drink developed for the 1 percent that the 99 percent stole back —
Hunter: Who cares about all that socialist shit, Bernie, I was talking about the song.
Dementia Joe: Someone stole my thong?
Hunter: No, pop, the song, by what was his name, Rupert Murdoch.
Trump: He worked for FOX News.
Hunter: Jesus, sometimes I wish you two were just as spaced out as pop here.
Dementia Joe: Pepsi or Coke?
Hunter: Neither, pop, pina coladas. We’re talking about pina coladas, the song. It was about a guy who was fed up with his wife —
Bernie: Like you, Donald.
Hunter: Quit your jabbing and let me talk.
Trump: I’m your president, boy.
Hunter: Not anymore and I’m not your boy.
Bernie: Finish the fucking tale already.
Hunter: So yeah, dude’s in bed and readin’ the personal columns in the newspaper and there’s this letter, you see, and it says, ‘if you like pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain —
Trump: Yeah, yeah, I know it, this was a great 1980s club song. Good times, tremendous times. I did the biggest lines. The biggest…
Bernie: You know what always pissed me off the most about you, Donald.
Trump: What, that I called you Crazy Bernie?
Bernie: No, that was a dumb nickname. No, that I busted my ass in politics all my life working, working for the People while you were out partying away your dad’s money in Manhattan nightclubs, snorting lines, going bankrupt six times, using the People’s money to get yourself back on your feet and yet you, it was you who became president.
Trump: God Bless America.
Hunter: Not so blessed now, is it?
Bernie: It’ s better than it was. I mean, no more people without health care, golf courses became park golf courses, you know, it ain’t bad at all.
Hunter: Shut Up, Socialist Sanders. Let me finish the tale.
Bernie: At least I’m finger lickin’ good.
Trump: And you say I had dumb slogans. No wonder you lost.
Hunter: Would you shut up, The Donald?
Trump: Sure thing … son.
Hunter: So, this guy writes his own letter to the personals, same kind of thing, yes I like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain and then he tells this mysterious person if she wants to meet him to go to a bar at noon the next day and they’ll plan their escape.
Trump: Just get to the fucking point already, does he grab her by the pussy or not?
Hunter: For fuck’s sake, Donald, do you ever learn?
Dementia Joe: Pussy Sperm?
Hunter: No, pa! Not you, too! Jesus!
Bernie:.Jesus Christ to the three of you! Of course he never learns, neither does my good friend Joe, no one ever learns. Anyway, what’s the catch?
Hunter: The catch?
Trump: Yeah, did he get in her pants or not?
Hunter: No, you two old dumb fucks. He goes to the bar, the lady walks in and it’s his wife!
Trump: Oh, gawd, what a nightmare!
Bernie: Ha ha! That’s beautiful. Now, now that you mention it, I used to listen to that tune, with, with Jane … (sobs) … All the time … yeah … (sobs) … Back in Burlington, in the day.
Trump: Blubbering Bernie? That’s better, right?
Bernie: No, it’s not, Demented Donald.
Dementia Joe: Demented? Ha ha ha ha….
Hunter: For fuck’s sake … I’ve had enough of you two. Pa?
Dementia Joe: Yeah?
Hunter: See ya next time.
Bernie: Don’t forget your drink!
Trump: See ya next time … Son!!
Thanks for reading! You can support me simply by sharing my stuff, by linking to me on Twitter, by checking out my old blog, by listening to my new podcast, The B&P Realm Podcast, or by reading my 2015 novel, “The Teacher and the Tree Man.” You can also find that book in full here, or you can find it broken down into four shorter books (book 1, book 2, book 3 and book 4).
Now, about the podcast.
“The B&P Realm Podcast” is a broad-minded, wide-ranging podcast that covers all sorts of things, notably I go out into the world by bicycle and chat from various locations about books, personal growth, music like the bands Phish and the Disco Biscuits and, yeah, unfortunately politics. But hey, somebody’s gotta be crazy enough to talk about all that, right?
Oh, and the twice-weekly episode will have 40 episodes in season one that always end with me reading two chapters of my 2015 novel of magical realism, a political and social fable set in the more, um, innocent era of 9/11 and Iraq War America. Consider checking it out sometime.
Okay, I’m putting this out by itself with the intention of making you all laugh because, well, because I find myself needing laughter these days and so figure maybe you do to. Thanks again, have some laughs and take care of each other. Enjoy!